How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
