she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
