Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize