1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
