we have pet lesbian snakes
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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