you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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