Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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