can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
