i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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