In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
