guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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