You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
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