the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Randomize
