yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
