i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
