a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
