Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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