just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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