I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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