we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
