peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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