overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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