oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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