I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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