we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
