the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
