Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
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