can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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