Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
