Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Randomize
