Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
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