Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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