There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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