Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
