I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
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