before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
