I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
