so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I can't trust your balls anymore.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
