Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I want her autograph on my taint
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
