oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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