Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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