I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Randomize