Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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