I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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