We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Is Oprah even human
is that a dick in a sweater?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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