im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
