I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
