1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
