YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Randomize
