I think I won the penis lottery.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
