There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
