Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
