____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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