I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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