Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Randomize
