okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
