I think I died a long time ago.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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